Starting over

My name is Marina and I used to be a blogger in blog spot for many years. I had to abandoned my old blog because family members and colleagues somehow discovered it. Suddenly I wasn’t feeling free to say things, to discuss what puzzled me, to expose my inner self and present life to their scrutiny, I felt they were prying into my life to criticize rather than accept me. I thought that my online diary belonged to me, to write what I wanted without obligation. I was wrong. Too many cooks spoil the broth.  So I abandoned it and came here to start over. I chose to write in English , to brush the language up, I haven’t actually spoken it for many yrs. I understand the spoken language and the written one but I’m not as fluent as I used to be. I’ve got friends who don’t speak Greek and used to complain all these yrs about their inability to share with me, life. There you are.

I have a major problem with my life at the moment and I need to start over from scratch. It’s not just a love affair, another love affair, it’s how a love affair became a disastrous affair, for both partners.  I’ve made grave mistakes. All my life I keep making mistakes, sometimes I learn from them, other times I don’t. I cannot walk out of the relationship right now, there are problems which need to be sought one by one..I’m not sure If I want to dissolve the marriage and at the same time I cannot keep on going as it is.  It is killing me. Actually killing me, it took me 10yrs to realize what went wrong, to brush the cobwebs off my eyes but there was a great cost. All this sadness, all efforts to hold my marriage resulted to my getting  Sarcoidosis a serious autoimmune disorder which attacked my lungs and stayed there. I took medication all right, its not active at the moment but I have to be very careful from now on. A friend of mine died this year of Sarcoidosis which attacked all her lymph glands. Her death was a quick one, within 5 months and off she went with one ticket to the Moon. Why I am disclosing this info but to explain a problem that keeps one of my hands tied behind my back. Up to 2009 I was as healthy as a horse and now I can’t believe I’ve got something that unpredictable. I know most autoimmune ails come from within, our body attacks itself in an effort to wake our minds up, to stop and see what’s happening. One of the many  mistakes I’ve made was to abandon everything for love, even to sacrifice my health.

Age doesn’t give you maturity. There are plenty of silly old fools around. people-hose